From Confusion to Clarity: Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships
Relationships impact the quality of our lives and play a role in shaping how we feel and view ourselves. Whether it is a romantic relationship, a friend, family, or a colleague- interacting with others who respect and understand our values, beliefs, and preferences contributes to defining who we are and how we feel. Being surrounded by people who are supportive, respectful of boundaries, reliable, and caring toward us amplifies our sense of belonging and well-being.
However, not all relationships make our lives better. Some relationships leave us feeling the opposite of safety and respect. These types of relationships tend to gradually transform so individuals involved may not initially recognize the harmful dynamics. One thing that they can recognize early on, is that emotionally it does not feel good. The insidious nature of these types of relationships, they can wreak havoc on one’s sense of self. Cultivating awareness around cues to look out for can help create a filter for who we allow into our lives so that we can protect our well-being and ensure we are surrounded by those who meet our standards of how we want to be treated. Here are some common signs of unhealthy relationship dynamics to look out for:
Exploitation or Use: The friend tends to reach out to you when they need something. For example, they reach out to gossip or for a favor but showing little interest in your well-being otherwise.
One-Sided Effort: When one friend consistently claims that you're not putting enough effort into the relationship while they're also not contributing their fair share. This behavior can be a tactic to guilt-trip or control you into investing more time, energy, or resources into the friendship.
Deflecting responsibility by claiming “it’s a joke”: Cruel humor or sarcastic remarks tend to be hurtful because they are based on indirect forms of aggression meant to make the individual employing them feel superior. It is a way for such individuals to channel their aggression in a “playful” manner. The test of whether a “joke” is a “joke” is whether the person on the receiving end actually finds the joke funny. If they find it hurtful, then it is not a joke. When you express feelings of hurt toward someone’s comment and they reply with “it’s just a joke” or say, “I can’t believe you took that seriously!” this deflects responsibility for their hurtful statement.
A more empathetic and constructive response involves acknowledging the other person's feelings, apologizing if necessary, and taking steps to prevent similar incidents in the future.
Attempts to express your needs and feelings are met with rigid statements about their character, such as “This is who I am. You are trying to change me”: Telling someone who feels hurt by your comment or behaviour that this is how you are, and accusing them of not accepting you can be a form of manipulation known as guilt-tripping. This tactic is intended to shift the blame or responsibility onto the person who is hurt, making them feel guilty for being upset rather than addressing the hurtful behaviour. Framing the situation as the other person's failure to accept you, deflects accountability for your words or actions and pushes the other person toward lowering their standards for what is acceptable in a relationship.
If someone’s behaviour does not make you feel good and rather than trying to understand your perspective and work toward engaging in behaviours that are adaptive for the relationship, they respond with a take it or leave it attitude, it may be time to consider leaving. Healthy relationships involve flexibility. They involve acknowledging one's actions, taking responsibility for the impact of their actions on others, and adjusting behaviour to one that is mutually beneficial. This foster deeper connections. Blaming or guilt-tripping the person for being hurt is not conducive to building healthy relationships based on trust, respect and understanding.
Telling someone they are upset at an action or comment you made because of their past. While past experiences can certainly influence how someone reacts to current situations, dismissing someone's current emotions during conflict by attributing them solely to their past experiences can be invalidating and a way for the person saying it to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or words that may have contributed to issue. In healthy relationships, addressing concerns in a compassionate and understanding manner while taking accountability for how your actions impacted the other is essential for fostering trust, respect, and emotional well-being for both individuals involved.
When someone labels your expression of feelings or concerns as "judgment" toward them. It's important to distinguish between genuine concerns about feeling judged and the misuse of the accusation to manipulate a situation. In some cases, expressing that you feel judged can be a legitimate expression of how you perceive someone's actions or words. However, it can also be used manipulatively to deflect accountability or control a conversation. An example of a genuine expression of feeling judged would be after sharing your feelings or concerns about a particular situation, and the person responds with, "I feel like you're judging me.” This would then be followed by an open and honest discussion seeking to understand each other’s perspectives and intentions.
However, if after expressing how someone’s action impacted you the person responds by saying they feel judged, rather than trying to understand your perspective and empathizing, then they may be trying to divert attention from taking accountability for the consequence of their actions and the issue at hand. This obstructs open and honest communication by shutting down the conversation about the original concern, making it difficult to address the issue effectively. Accusing you of judgment can evoke guilt or self-doubt, making you more likely to question and perhaps minimize your legitimate feelings and concerns. Furthermore, some individuals may use the accusation of "judgment" to manipulate the narrative, painting themselves as victims and the other person as the aggressor, even if the concern raised was valid and based on genuine feelings or observations.
If you recognize these signs in your friendship, it's important to reassess the relationship and consider whether it's beneficial for you. A question I often hear in my practice, particularly among clients who did not grow up having a model of what a healthy relationship looks like, is how do I know what a healthy relationship is? Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect, trust, support, open communication, flexibility in understanding one another, and owning our part in the relationship. When you start to have doubts about yourself and your relationship, it might be a good idea to establish boundaries, express your worries, or, in certain instances, re-evaluate the friendship for the sake of your own well-being. A healthy relationship is a relationship that feels good. This does not mean that there is an absence of conflict. In fact, healthy relationships involve the ability to work through the conflict so that there can be a repair which actually strengthens the relationship! A healthy relationship is built on a foundation of love, respect, understanding, and the willingness to grow and evolve together. It promotes an environment where both individuals can thrive, feel seen and heard, and be the best versions of themselves while fostering a deep and lasting connection.
If we don’t have a model of what a healthy relationship looks like, we repeat unconsciously repeat the unhealthy relationship patterns we witnessed or experienced. So, what does a healthy relationship looks like? A healthy relationship is a relationship that feels good. It is built on a foundation of love, respect, understanding, and the willingness to grow and evolve together. It promotes an environment where both individuals can thrive, feel seen and heard, and be the best versions of themselves while fostering a deep and lasting connection.
What can you do if you tried to work through a relationship and are dealing with someone who attacks, punishes, or blocks your efforts? Be realistic of the limits of your own power. If you are trying to form a relationship with someone who won’t stop being contemptuous, an option can be to shrink relationship to what would make it sustainable. For example: someone who you enjoy going to sporting events with but you would not trust them with personal information. A question to ask yourself is whether you are getting enough in the relationship to make grieving what you are not getting worth your while? If the answer is “yes, I may not be able to share personal information or talk politics with this person, but I do really enjoy their company when we go out” then grieve what you don’t get from the relationship and embrace what you do get. If the answer is no, then it may be time to remove yourself from the relationship and focus your energy on cultivating relationships that make you feel good.
